March 3, 2018
Why is it that we can't have a conversation about death and dying? Are we afraid? Do we think it's inappropriate? Are we assuming that if a person wants to talk about death it means they've given up? A friend just said people have this conception that talking about death will kill us. And she's totally spot on. It's like people think that by allowing to me share my feelings on the subject it will jinx me somehow and cause an early demise. Well hello, jokes on you because it's already a likely outcome. And that's okay, I understand. But really I mean death is a part of life and it IS going to happen to all of us someday. And maybe, just maybe, we wouldn't be so afraid of it if only we just talked about it a little bit. And I don't mean dwell on the subject, or become so overcome with grief that you can't live normally. But even for a perfectly healthy person I think it's not a bad idea to at least ponder the end, think about what you might want, or just as importantly NOT want. It seems to me, as a not perfectly healthy person that it's kind of a necessity for me to think about it. I don't want to be the person who was so busy denying the inevitable that it arrives and I'm not ready and have no plan.
I've always been a planner, and I'm all about the little details. After all it's all about the little things. So wanting to plan and be specific abut my wishes and expectations is really important to me. Especially because I am not like the majority of the population. Not only do i not want extraordinary measures, there are some treatments and measures that many consider to be perfectly normal and basic that I also don't want. Because of that I want to be sure that everyone in my circle is very clear about everything. It's kind of hard to do that when my circle would rather pretend that I have a bad cold that's going to clear up and heal completely. It's weird because usually it's the patient who is in denial about their condition and the mortality of it. Again, I am not the "norm". And that's okay.
I do not accept pressure to alter my wants and needs for the sake of making someone else feel better about me dying. Nobody should feel like they need to do what makes others more comfortable when the end comes. That's not selfish that's real. Deep yes, but real. I may not agree, for example, with a persons decision to spend what time they have travelling the globe chasing new treatments that kill you just a little slower than a disease itself. But that's not my decision to make, nor is it my place to encourage that person to change their primary instinct to make me feel better. I may think it's irrational and, again, that's my personal opinion, even if most people would agree with me. It's just not about what "most" people want, it's about what each individual wants, what they need.
We all should be having this kind of conversation with our loved ones. It's so much better and easier to talk about something that's down the road and having time to think and share and discuss and question, than it is to wait because you're afraid. Because you'll inevitably discover there was something you weren't aware of and wish you had been. You may find that you're not prepared for whatever choices your loved one did or did not make. If you have questions, or don't understand something you can ask. And your loved one will likely be happy to answer and explain. And your job will be to accept and support. Be there. Be their advocate and let them know that you've got their back.
Death isn't always easy to talk about. It's sad and it's scary. But it's necessary, especially for the person who may be faced with it in their near future. Let them talk and hear what they are saying. Talk back and make sure they hear you too!
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