Earlier this week I noticed my scalp was really sensitive and within hours (literally) my hairs started falling out. It physically hurt so bad trying to wash it brought me to tears (one would think at this point tear-wise my body would be out. My amazement and admiration for the anatomy of the human body and eyeball in particular has no end). Emotionally this point has been a real low... The very next day it seemed like I couldn't stop throwing up. And of course I still have to go to radiation during this. Again more Kudos to my "people" for really being great. I mean I know that this is the crap they deal with every day and so they're use to it. But that's kind of exactly my point. People get jaded with time. Desensitized. Any of my fire/EMS friends know this. And yet not a single one of these people shows that. At least not an inkling outwardly whereas I picked up on it. So, job outstandingly done, because it takes a really special person who can do what they do every single day and still appear fresh and sweet and kind and empathetic. Anyway, by yesterday I was just plain down. I'm tired. And I'm sick of being tired. And I'm already tired of being sick. And for crying out loud I didn't even know I was sick, and didn't feel sick, until someone told me I was. Like how? It boggles me; I felt pretty good and was living life and pretty much enjoying every second of it. Then a person told me I'm sick, very sick, and in order to get better, I need to do things to my body that will make me sicker and weaker than I've ever been. So I went from I felt good, to intentionally putting chemicals and radiation into my body, literally making myself ill and tired and hurt and argh. So I can get better from this invisible monster inside me that I never knew was there... Mind = boggled. Then, just overnight as I started my now normal, mid night/early dawn hours of tossing, I thought to myself hmm... I think I just might feel just a little tiny bit better than I did when I went to sleep. I seriously kind of brushed it off and continued my dozing until morning because I was afraid to jinx the feeling. Even after waking and still feeling pretty okay I was leery of mentioning it to my momma. Especially since this morning was my appointment with my medical oncologist for the mid-way checkup. Then! It went really well. He said he's pleased with my lab work. My white count is a little low but "that number still means risk of infection is trivial" He said that the next week or two I should feel better chemo wise, but that my pain and trouble swallowing from the radiation will likely get worse. I guess if I can stick with just a couple yucks at a time I'll absolutely take what I can get right? Hell freaking yes I will. And while I may not be "enjoying" every second of life right now I'm sure as shit appreciating every single second, and person I love and adore ❤️
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